Four weeks ago today, I became a mother to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. She has dark brown hair, blue eyes, a round belly, and chubby arms and legs. She is perfect, and she has changed our lives forever.
Nobody can prepare you for how much your life changes when you have a baby. I thought I knew what motherhood meant: selflessness, sacrifice, unconditional love, patience, etc. And it does, I just didn’t realize how much. Motherhood is more difficult and more gratifying than I could ever imagine. I’ve never done anything that requires more fortitude. I mean, labor and delivery required a heck of a lot of fortitude, but once she was born, it was over. Motherhood is never over. Parenthood is never over. She will always be my baby. She will bring me joy and scare me to death until the day I die.
People tell me I’ll never sleep again. That could be true. I think I’ve finally come to terms with the idea of waking every three hours for the foreseeable future. And I’m okay with that. Really.
But I wasn’t okay with it in the beginning. I resented the fact that I had gone through all of the pain and exhaustion of pregnancy, labor and delivery, and that I still wouldn’t catch a break. I resented the fact that everyone else got to enjoy my baby, while I looked at her with a mix of love and dread, fearing the next breastfeeding session (we got off to a rocky start with nursing, but not everyone has an experience like mine – in case you’re reading this and you’re pregnant. Breastfeeding might be difficult at the beginning, but I promise, it gets a lot better). I resented that I was the only person in the world who could feed her, and that no one else could help me or bail me out. I resented that it was ultimately, entirely my responsibility.
I resented that I was finally…an adult.
I’m not a kid anymore. I have a kid. I am the grownup. I have to make the doctor’s appointments and clean up the messes and know the answers. I have to be the good example. This really, truly scared me.
It still does scare me sometimes, especially when I look down the road. But all I can do right now is take care of my baby. I can change her diaper, give her a bath, wash her onesies, and nurse her. I can hold her when she cries, take her for walks, talk to her, and sing to her. When I think of it like that, it’s not as scary. That’s being a parent. It’s how my parents took care of me and my siblings. One day at a time, moment by moment. It’s not like our parents knew everything from Day One. None of us know anything. We don’t receive a download of everything-we-need-to-know as soon as we become parents. Wisdom is acquired over time, and by trial and error.
And God gives us grace.
Katie Bertola 