My husband and I are about to have a baby. So, sometime in the next thirty-ish days, we’ll become parents. And we can’t wait! It’s kind of like, well – it’s exactly like waiting for your life to start.
But it’s not that my life hasn’t begun yet. When I started college, I thought, “Now! My life begins!” Same thing when I moved to a new city.
And met the man of my dreams.
And married the man of my dreams.
And found out I was pregnant.
And moved to our first house.
Each time, I thought, “Now, my life begins!” And I was right. Your life doesn’t just begin when you’re born. It begins over and over again.
But that doesn’t mean we stop living between beginnings; after every change, life adjusts back into a routine. Before we know it, we’re looking for another beginning. That’s just human nature – to fall into routine, and to seek new beginnings. Most of us tend to err on one side or the other; we live for the thrill of newness and shun “the same old thing,” or we crave routine and fear change.
As usual, the truth lies in the middle. Not that I have much experience or wisdom. I’m 22, for goodness sake. But I do know what beginnings and endings feel like. Sometimes they hurt, and sometimes they’re wonderful.
I won’t deny the idea of raising a daughter is sometimes just as scary as it is exciting. Like, when she realizes life is unfair – do I let her cry and hold her close, or do I use it as a moment of instruction? Both, right? Probably both. Maybe. Or, what if she wants to date a jerk? Do we tell her no and risk alienating her, or do we let her do it so she learns?
I thrive on hypothetical thinking.
My husband is more rational about these things. He says, “Don’t worry about that stuff yet. We’ll figure it out. We’ll make mistakes, but we’ll also do things right. We’ll learn.”
I guess it’s just my method of preparation. My insane, ineffective, worry-inducing method of preparation. It’s also kind of like skipping to the end of a chapter so you can relieve the dramatic tension . Which I have done. Once or twice. Or more. But not only does this defeat the purpose of reading the book (rather than skimming the synopsis on Wikipedia), it completely spoils the story!
If I’m going to try to look ahead and figure out motherhood, aren’t I kind of spoiling it? I’m really just thinking of things to worry about. And it’s taking all of the fun out of it.
When life begins, it just begins. And we figure it out along the way.
Katie Bertola 