Is she thin and petite, delicate and fairy-like?
Is she a tall drink of water, elegantly gliding down the runway?
Is she curvy and voluptuous, rounded in all the correct ways?
Is she strong and athletic, sculptural and powerful?
We can’t decide what the ideal woman should look like.
I’m a millennial, and can remember when each of these archetypes was considered to be the feminine ideal at one time or another.
I think thin is back, but that’ll probably change again pretty soon. If you look at enough art from time past, you’ll see all of these types represented, as well as every shape in between.
But it’s not only about looks. It’s also the personality. Which personality traits are acceptable for a woman to possess?
Should she be bold and fearless, soft and gentle, brash and flippant, silly and frivolous? Again, these go in and out of style. During the 2010s, there were two personality aesthetics that became widely regarded as most desirable: the boss babe and the cool girl.
Boss babe spoke her mind, played hardball with the boys, and put herself first. She was stylish, but also smart and strong. She was gorgeous, but like, with glasses.
Cool girl was Jennifer Lawrence.
Actually, these two aesthetics have a lot in common. Both prize a feminine ideal that resembles more traditionally masculine traits, while still possessing universal visual appeal. Basically, act like the boys, but still be attractive to the boys.
Now when I said these personality styles were “desirable,” I didn’t mean men found them so. Many probably did, but I actually think women liked the fantasy as well: the gorgeous girl who is respected by men and considered equally strong and competent. People (read: men) listen to her ideas and seek out her input. They laugh at her jokes and acknowledge her aptitude for sports, math, cars, etc.
These are reasonable desires. However, to be the boss babe or cool girl, a woman is required to put off those traits that don’t fit. She isn’t allowed to ask for help or a second opinion, especially from a man. She isn’t even supposed to want one. She definitely isn’t permitted to desire an obscure life in the suburbs with toddlers hanging around her knees and bread dough proofing on the counter.
But times have changed. The tradwife has waved a magic wand at the stay-at-home mom life. Not only is it cool to make bread, but it’s romantic. The tradwife is still punching down sourdough, but now she’s artfully posed, bathed in natural light, her hair delicately framing her serene face as soft music plays the soundtrack to her life. Or maybe her perfect children are peacefully playing in their curated bedrooms, staged with neutral-toned products which earn commission.
I’ve read plenty of think-pieces and watched plenty of video essays mourning this trend. These women are undoing centuries of women’s progress! Feminism is dead! Romanticizing “traditional” femininity is taking us back to the dark ages!!
Don’t worry, it’s not. It’s so not. This is a trend. There is increased interest in “conservative” values among podcasters and content creators. But I really do think it’s only a trend.
Right now, it’s cool to be soft and clean. Beige and white, quiet and serene. The ideal woman is a blank canvas. A beautiful, blank canvas.
This will change again. And again. Because we don’t know what a woman should be, and we don’t know what a man should be. We don’t know who God is, and we don’t know who we are, to paraphrase the late R.C. Sproul. We keep inventing new ways to cosplay as whatever ideal is popular at the moment, and as soon as the trend shifts, we stuff that costume in the Goodwill pile and put on something else.
And no, this isn’t where I quote the entirety of Proverbs 31. That always drove me crazy, as if it’s the only part for girls. I don’t want to pick up the Bible so I can read a list of feminine virtues and try to embody them, because I will fail. There has never been a woman on this earth who can live up to Proverbs 31.
I actually don’t think Proverbs 31 is presenting a feminine ideal to be lived. Following the thrust of the rest of the book, the final chapter of Proverbs is an expansion on the nature of God’s wisdom, personified as a godly woman. For sure, it’s filled with practical applications of wisdom that are worthy of emulation, and but here’s the problem: the purpose of a woman is not to meet a feminine ideal. It’s actually much more than that.
Our purpose, same as men, is to proclaim the excellencies of Him who called us out of darkness and into His glorious light. Scripturally, there are actually not that many distinctions made between female Christians and male Christians. You could even go so far as to say there is no distinction. That’s sort of the point.
I mean, there are differences. Girls can’t be pastors or elders, but that’s about it. Everything else — the dying to self, the loving our neighbor, the taming of the tongue, etc. — that’s all ours, too.
It’s not just women who are called to be sober-minded, temperate, hospitable, and gentle. We are called, men and women, to follow Christ. It is a much higher call, a call that goes beyond male and female. And it’s hard.
It isn’t enough to dress modestly, submit, and be quiet. I could be clothed in a hairshirt habit and still be arrogant and attention-seeking. I could silently let my husband make all the decisions and say “Whatever you say, dear,” and still be resentful toward him, finding fault with everything he does. I can behave demurely and have a heart pulsing with bitterness and anger.
And even with my best intentions, I’m still going to fall far short of my purpose. Even if I know my calling, I will fail to do it. And unless my righteousness exceeds that of the Proverbs 31 woman, I will never enter the kingdom of God.
But Jesus Christ knows I can’t do it, and He knows I know, and so He promised that if I come to Him, He will never cast me out.
So I must flee to Christ. I have no choice. I have to forsake the impossible ideals of this world, and all my attempts to earn his approval, and cling to Him. He doesn’t call me merely to do things. He calls me to Himself, so my hope will rest not on what I do, but upon Him, and what He has done.
Katie Bertola 